Toilet Paper v/s Hand

It is one of most the indispensable acts of human life, right from the times when lavatories were a thing of future and man liked to think of the world as his playground. It is the deed at some of which most people in this world are inspired to do great things. It is when grand ideas spring up into even smallest of minds. Every day of every man, woman, and child's life begins with the commission of it. And if you happen to miss it once...the day seems to be a stony path. It doesn't need any more introduction...it is...the act of defecation!Now, along with the ‘act' what is also ‘indispensable' is the part which comes after the act is done...i.e. the cleaning of the relevant areas...and this was Different people have different ways to do it. But after a major survey, it was found that two methods are quite commonly employed. They are viz. the use of HANDS and the use of TOILET PAPER.

We will take a look at the characteristics of both these methods one after the other..

TOILET PAPER :-

Description :- Paper-like, white in color, averagely 10 x 15 cms. size [comes in different sizes to suit the ...uh...size of the surface to be cleaned]. Strips are connected end-to-end and wound into a big roll. The intricate weave of the paper is individual to every brand [...as if we care, so long the paper remains intact to complete the task]

Advantages :- (1) Dry as a bone [Absolutely suitable for people having fear of water or who hate water so much that they allow themselves a bath once a year or so].

(2) Disposable.

(3) No direct contact of skin with the four lettered word beginning with ‘s' and ending in ‘t'.

(4) Also useful in situations where the dumping requires huffing and puffing, to dab the forehead and blow the nose.

(5) Cannot transmit any ‘wandering' bacteria from hand to mouth unless you cannot get rid of the paper from your hand.

(6) Excellent option in places where water isn't available for better part of the day [e.g.: Sahara dessert etc. and hostel loos.]

Disadvantages :- (1) the roll isn't exactly long-lasting and may choose to get exhausted right when you want it the most.

(2) If you happen to keep the used pieces lying around instead of honoring them with a proper disposal, you might find the need to spray on some extra air freshener.

(3) It costs money [exception: if you own the manufacturing factory]

Complications :- (1) vigorous rubbing can cause abrasions and excoriation of the skin around the aperture in discussion.

(2) May clog the drains if attempts are made to flush the used papers in bulk. [To know the consequences of clogged drains get your hands on ‘Plumbing made easy' Jan '05 issue]

Medico legal importance :- The used papers serve an important role as evidence in obtaining samples [we spare you the gory details of the ‘samples' but we certainly hope you can figure out for yourself what they must be.].

Recent advances :- New improved toilet paper is scented to give your bottom that aromatic ambiance it longed for its whole life.

This was the good and bad about the toilet paper, but some would say that the hand is mightier than a piece of paper. Lets take a look what the hand has to say for itself.

HAND :-

Description:- soft, fleshy (not every though), comes in various sizes and shapes and colors. Has 5 elongated finger-like projections AKA digits. Two surfaces- palmer & dorsal. The elongated projections are mobile so maneuvering the hand becomes an easy task (except when the fingers are in use to grasp anything nearby when traveling in a long-distance train).

Advantages:- (1) absolutely free of cost.

(2) easily available and accessible [except in situations like that of Thakur from Sholay].

(3) reusable.

(4) washable, with soap and water.

(5) one free with the other deal! [except when congenital absence of upper extremities or

amputation of upper extremity/s].

(6) no chance of any foreign body reaction as it is self antigen.

(7) you can enjoy the last ever feel of the s**t when it leaves you for good.

Disadvantages:- (1) direct and disgusting contact with the above mentioned piece of crap.

(2) fingers are included in the elite list of disease spreading vehicles.

(3) improper and inadequate following of the instructions provided for sanitation may lead to

dangerous hazards like GI infections, various hepatitis, worm infestations , also the not-so-pleasant

‘fragrance' emanating from the fingers used to do the work.

Complications :- (1) Abrasions due to overgrown fingernails on the oh! So delicate! skin of the

concerned area. (

2) during the act, finger/s in use might get stuck [ the hiatus is very small, you see...]

(3) rupture and bleeding from the hemorrhoids

(4) Skin infections of the hand in use may get transmitted to the oh! So sensitive! skin of the area in concern

[ advice: Use other hand in such cases. If both are infected then God help!!...actually you can see the recent

advances below for what you can do in such cases]

Medico legal importance :- fingerprints can be of value especially in cases of breaking and entering of private

loos, or in cases of ignoring the flush button which says ‘push'.[I think there should be a self explanatory illustration

of a scene showing how to ‘push' that button]

Recent advances :- Gloves- latex and leather, the need to sterilize hand is eliminated. Gloves are available in

designer labels too! [contact the writers for more information]

Well, after hearing both the sides, it is tough to come to any conclusion which leans in the favor of only one.

But, why go for any of them? We have the perfect solution for those who are in dilemma...use the Jet spray- it cleans

and surely cleans well. You can save your hand from being embarrassed yet again either by plunging in bare or

sheltered in toilet paper. However, different people have different opinions. Stick to whatever you believe in.

DISCLAIMER:

This article is not scientific in any way. It is presented in the manner in which most medical textbooks describe a

term/ object/ instrument. The information is only the writers point of humorous view.

This article is meant only for getting laughs. No offense to anyone reading it. Thank you.